Shaken

When I came home from Pleven in April of 2012, I began combing over Reece's Rainbow. I studied faces of orphans, I prayed for them, I searched for "our child". It was so hard to be looking for a child, knowing that I would be choosing one above another. How and why did I pick one over the other? After we committed to Simon I stopped looking at children's profiles Reece's Rainbow(RR). Sure, there were children I would occasionally check on #11 to see if Simon's orphanage had any new kids up, but I mostly stuck with looking at the family profiles who were either in the adoption process or had already brought their children home.

I believe I did this as a protection for my heart. You see, when I look at a profile of an orphan on RR, I look into their little eyes, I see a child who has been rejected and abandoned and I can't stand it. I can't stand that all their hopes of finding a family are based on this one picture. I can't stand that their might be an orphanage director or worker behind this photo thinking, yeah right, who is really going to come across the world for this kid? I can't handle seeing the red words in bold, "HURRY, I HAVE ALREADY BEEN TRANSFERRED". I know that those words mean in a few months I might be reading about this child passing away. It hurts. Typing those words brought tears to my eyes.

So just to back up and be clear, children on RR are kids with "special needs" ranging from Down Syndrome to HIV, missing digits to paralyzed. These kids are not likely to be adopted by someone in their country and as I understand it, they are not likely to be adopted by people outside of the USA. These kids spend a certain amount of time in a baby orphanage and then might be transferred to an older child orphanage, where if they are lucky they might get to go to school, depending on where they live (some areas won't allow children with special needs or even orphans to go to school). From there if they still haven't found a family, the child will then be transferred to an adult mental institution....where, especially children with Down Syndrome, the child will probably give up on this sad life and die there....in another crib, surrounded by others who have been rejected by society. So you NEVER want to see the words TRANSFERRED next to a child.

A few weeks ago I began preparing for our "benefit show". I knew that this was our last big community event and that I wanted to do a better job of raising awareness for orphans on RR. So I began coping and pasting profiles of kids and I made "orphan cards". This task was NOT EASY. Even in choosing one child over another to put on the cards felt like I was choosing their fate. Again, why was I choosing one over another? Was it their smile, was it their clothes, was it their need? It ripped my heart out again. It made me realize, yes I am making a difference for Simon, but there are so many more. My heart is so broken for each one of them....what do I do with that heart ache? I don't know if I wasn't clear about what we were doing, I don't know if people just didn't want to take part, but I have many orphan cards left over. And it has left me DEVASTATED.

I am praying that the cards that were taken were taken by people who will truly pray for that child to find a family. Oh God, please let our adoption make a difference in the lives of more children than just Simon. I have the cards, if you want one for your fridge, please let me know. I am also available to do brief talks at your church/bible studies where I can bring the cards and allow your friends and family to chose a child to pray for. The thing is, we as americans are very comfortable throwing money at problems. (something I am very thankful for while I am fundraising) but sometimes, not all the time, we have trouble getting our hands dirty. I wonder how many of us have compassion international kids that we "pay for" to have snacks and schooling but who we never write to or pray for? (I am guilty of this) We are just a person behind a check. What I am asking for is to give more than money...to give your heart. Pray, pour your heart out for a child. Plead, cry out and advocate for that child to find a family....and then support that family until the child makes it home. Because I hate to share this with you, but at least 4 kids have died, while their adoptive parents were in process, in the last 8 month. (those are just the ones I know about) This is LIFE OR DEATH.

Here is a family I would love for you to support, even just to write an encouraging comment on their blog...or just giving them 10 in their fund.

http://www.walkingthenarrowpathnow.blogspot.com/

You can donate here:

http://www.adopttogether.org/kirkfamilyadoption/

This family is adopting a boy that our family prayed for. He was dear to our hearts because of his special need, he has Marfans Syndrome. A condition that has grieved my husbands family deeply. This little boy needs to get home and be carefully monitored by doctors in our country for his best chance at a FULL LIFE. And now he has his best chance, because he has a loving family to bring him home. A person with Marfans has no cognitive impairment which means, Ian knows that he was rejected....he knows there is life outside an orphanage and that other kids at school have families that love them. Please pray for his heart to be prepared to be LOVED by his family. Pray for this family's process.

Thank you!!!

Here is a picture of Ian....

Another video from our visit.

 Copy and paste this link to see a mother son video....sure wish I could rock him right now....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dklolQ_OP98


If you live near Lincoln, don't forget to come out Saturday night to 2 pillars church (14th and south st) at 6pm...for a night of bands/worship.  Bring the whole family!  Find an orphan to pray for and maybe win some sweets from Germany.  

I am still looking for some volunteers to man tables at the event...so let me know if you can help me out!

Thanks for the prayers and support.  Our community of family and friends are the best!

Radio Silence

Hello friends. I have been feeling a little weird about my blog silence. So I am breaking it. I want you all to know that your words of encouragement have been so helpful during this time. Also, I haven't written you a thank you yet, but I got a WONDERFUL note in the mail. And to my new friend a few states to the east, please know you encouraged me, answered my prayers and filled me with more joy than you know. God has made this journey filled to the brim with people who have show so much LOVE and SUPPORT! I couldn't be doing this without it or you! It has been amazing.

I wanted to just share a photo. It occurs to me that I have used my blog mostly to talk about our journey and I haven't really been sharing a lot of orphans with you, partially because I struggle emotionally to see their little faces myself, but I have been convicted that if there really are loving people reading this and praying for our journey, than I need to share children that need your prayers and love. When we were looking for a child to adopt, I would check on this boy everyday on reece's rainbow. Then one day he disappeared, I mistakenly thought this was because he had a family, now I see that his file had just been removed. I guess he only has a few more weeks on Reece's Rainbow and then his face will disappear again. HOWEVER, he should still be adoptable. Please take a look at his picture and info listed below. Are you his family? Do you know them? Please pray they will find him, this boy is SO cute and he would do SO well in a loving home!!! He lives in Simon's country but is NOT in Simon's orphanage. :)

DOB: 2008
Diagnosis: developmental delays

Kody was born premature at 27 weeks gestation. His birth mother smoked during the pregnancy and her amniotic sac ruptured 3 days before delivery. He was breech and delivered via C-section in poor condition and weighing just 2 pounds. Many of his delays are consistent with a child born at this early gestational age.

Today, Kody is healthy, though he has occasional respiratory infections. He’s had eye surgery for strabismus. His motor skills have been delayed as a result of being premature, but he is now walking well independently. He reaches for objects, tracks them with his eyes and has good visual motor skills. He picks up objects and studies them intently. If he is unfamiliar with an item/toy, he will shake it, turn it and check it out in detail to attempt to figure out what it does. He is using combinations of sounds and putting syllables together to make simple words. He does not have any true purposeful speech yet , which is a source of frustration for him when he’s trying to communicate his wants/needs. Sometimes he gets upset and other times, he just shuts down and won’t communicate at all. He enjoys interacting with adults and laughs loudly when being played with. He has a good attention span and will focus on the adult interacting with him or what he’s playing with. He initiates games with adults. He drinks from a cup unassisted and eats with a spoon. He has difficulty with chewing. He has a 1:1 caregiver that spends time with him daily.

The agency is able to request additional information for a serious inquiry. There are also videos available with a full file request.

Because the agency only has this child’s file for a short time (mid-May), he will not be able to receive donations until a family is found for him.    

****This information found at  http://reecesrainbow.org/?s=kody

In the meantime, if you live locally and have a heart for asking people to pray for the orphans on RR, please contact me as I need volunteers to stand at the orphan table at the benefit show!!! :) We will be giving out photos and information about children for people to take with them. My hope and prayer is that many children will be chosen and prayed for by our family and friends in Lincoln. When we were leaving Simon's country my husband and I were struggling to leave Simon behind. Jonathan said that he just didn't understand why there were still children to be adopted in SImon's orphanage. He said that IF the word got out about an orphanage like that in our city (if the media exposed neglect so devastating that it was called a holocaust) that families in Lincoln would walk into that place and take every child, so that the orphanage would be shut down FOREVER. And I believe that to be true. So I am hoping that we would show our hearts and pray for these orphans everyday until the lord brings them families.....or perhaps...brings us to them??? :)

Thanks friends. I feel your prayers, everyday that I am not an emotional wreck, I know that I am feeling your prayers!!!

Keeping Busy

People have asked how I am handling being back home, well I am keeping busy. :) We changed apartments right before we left for Bulgaria so I am still organizing closets in the aftermath. Also, I seem to be nesting like crazy in our new place, including looking up patterns to recover pillows and make a bay window seat cushion. We are picking out curtains and bought a rug. I think the idea is to make a very pleasant place to be because when Simon comes home, we will probably be hanging out a lot at home :)

I am also trying to nest a little for Simon, I am working on Ishmael and Simon's closet and trying to figure out Simon's bed situation. This might include switching Ishmael to a twin bed to make a hiding place for a dutch trundle bed for Simon to sleep on. (it has railings all the way around it and we are hoping it will be just right for Simon. The crib he sleeps in now doesn't have the tallest railings and I really just don't want to set up the crib again. We moved into a much, much smaller room situation for our sons :( BUT the bathroom is HUGE!! AND we have a DISHWASHER!!!)

When we first came home I was sleeping a TON, which was really nice for me because I have always been more of a, stay up way to late, or wake up in the middle of the night person. Which is what is happening right now, sigh, maybe is was just jet lag :( I enjoyed it.

Another item on our schedule is our ADOPTION FUNDRAISER BENEFIT SHOW!!! We are very excited to be doing, what we hope is, our LAST local event as an adoption fundraiser. I am praying, and sadly not calculating, that the donations from this event will be all we need to bring Simon home. I still have some items to sell so I really do think that we could be "fully funded" pretty soon. (I really hate using that term, because to me, anything could happen at any point that would switch us from fully funded to praying for help in minutes! That seems to be the story on international adoption! ha) So if you live near Lincoln, you should come to this event. My hubby and I are both playing in it! (I hope that I can sing without crying!!!)

When: Saturday April 27th 2013, doors at 5:30, show starting at 6pm
Who: well you, and us and 4 Bands/Musicians:
Starla Dear (this is my hubby's band)
Mark Thornton
Anna Dietrich Keyzer (well that is me! I just plan to play a couple songs)
The Lion and the Leper (this should be ROCKin WORSHIP!)
Where: 2 Pillars Church 1430 South Street Lincoln Ne 68502
What: Well, the bands will play, I will talk a little, and we will hope to have a GREAT TIME!
Another who: This is an event that is open to all ages, so you can bring your kids if you want. Do keep in mind that most of these groups, minus me, rock and they like to do that loudly. Invite your friends, and neighbors and church friends and family!

I am looking for some volunteers, so if you live around here and you would like to help, please let me know! I will need people to help make snacks, which we will then offer to our guests, and donate pop and water. I will also be looking for volunteers to perhaps man an informational booth about Reece's Rainbow.

So, I think that is all I have to say. I am definitely keeping myself busy, we know my mind is busy, otherwise I would be asleep! Thanks for reading and for supporting our adoption!

A video and picture from our trip

Here is Simon "rock'in" his walk.

This is our "kissy" face video, playing this game with Simon was one of our most cherished moments with him during our visits.


I realize this is a very brief post.  I have not had words to share since we have been back.  I hope to have my thoughts sorted at some point. But until then I will try to just post a few videos and pictures on here.  I would have added more but we have momentarily misplaced our card reader.

Good News

Last night we were able to go to a local clinic and witness an echocardiogram being done for Simon. As he was laying there on the table, we listened to his heart tones and watched the black and white video displaying all the areas of his heart as the cardiologist moved the doppler around on Simon's chest. It was pretty intense.... But the results are in and his heart appears to be in great shape right now! This was great news and came as a huge relief for us. Also, Simon handled the car ride and visit really, really well. He remained pretty calm and composed.

Simon had a pretty major heart surgery when he was one year old (for his condition, called Tetralogy of Fallot--which is related to his prematurity, being born at 27 weeks and around 2 pounds) and so he needs to be watched pretty closely for pulmonary insufficiency and other issues. So it was great to hear that so far there have been no complications related to the patch that was put in his heart. This has been something we have been hoping for since we committed to him.

Visits have continued to go well. Today we worked a lot with feeding him and got to hold him some more. He seems to be getting far more comfortable on our laps! We also watched him physical therapy and it was funny to see that he laughs while being massaged; he had a great time.

We will see him for the last time tomorrow before we leave out to Sofia to catch our plane; our journey is coming to a close in Pleven, and it will be hard to go but we are feeling like we have a lot to be thankful for and to hope for as well. Thank you to everyone back home who has helped make this possible --with support, donations, and prayer. (oh, and taking care of Ishmael ;))

What We Hoped to See

While we left our visits yesterday very excited about the answers we were getting, we were also asking ourselves more questions. We understood going into this adventure that we were going to be adopting a child with some severe issues from institutional life. However, we also knew the stories of many mothers before us, and I myself had witnessed Grace and Sam's initial visits in Pleven. So when we began to analyze some of our interactions with Simon and compare and contrast them to other children, we were having some trouble figuring out what all Simon will be capable of doing.

Simon is not just a boy with Cerebral Palsy. He has some very clear swallowing/feeding issues that have led to severe malnutrition. He has spent more time than he should have alone in crib. He has spent too many years without a single care giver, a mother. I would like to tell you that it shows. I know most of you will be very shocked when you meet Simon, not just by his size, but by his motions, by the fact he hits himself at times. He doesn't make wonderful eye contact, he has a lot of jerky motions and ticks.

So far I have been trying to be sensitive to his needs and the fact that being around new people that want eye contact from him can be very overstimulating. I normally try to just offer him my hands and see if he touches them. He has a very tight grip and will hold on for a few seconds at a time. He will hold on much longer if he thinks you are going to get him up and walking around the room. :) Every visit he holds my gaze a little longer, and at times he seems to relax in his eyes (this is kind of hard to explain). He has also rejected any toy we have tried to hold out for him. I have been mirroring his hand movements but we have not seen any evidence of his mirroring my movements (this was something Sam did very well toward the end of our visits with her). I have been making noises, and his Baba makes noises, but Simon doesn't really even try to join us in our, "ba ba bas" and our "ma ma mas".

Over dinner we sat discussing it, in a very honest way: we said, maybe he will never do these things, and what if he never does these things. We tried to digest that, again, because I think even going to this orphanage and saying you are going to adopt a 18 pound 8 year old, you hold out hope on his development--especially when you know that Katie Musser has worked on potty training, and Sam mirrors and her ticks are melting away, and Krasi rolls over and grabs toys!

I believe we both made a renewed vow to love him anyway last night, no matter how he develops over time or what he can do.

We finally got to meet with the director this morning and she is one busy lady!! I felt like I could have asked her questions all day about the orphanage, about herself personally and of course, about Simon. But I also knew she was busy and so we took our list in and asked her almost all of our questions! By the time we were done it was time to go get the visa photos done and when they came back from that we had 15 minutes to sit with Simon.

I (Jon) have loved the visits and it has been awesome to see Simon and spend time with him. We have seen him gradually become more comfortable and expressive and this has been so heartening! But it has also been a little difficult because engagement has been a challenge and in my heart I have been desiring just a small connection or sign, something to grab on to. So at the beginning of this 15 minute session, I prayed, really quickly, for just a moment or sign or something small for reassurance that connections will happen between Simon and us. This seemed like a selfish prayer and it was quickly uttered in an almost apologetic manner.

We were left alone with him for the 1st time ever. While we sat there I (Anna) decided I would try to play with a toy again. I hadn't even brought one along because of his lacking interest in them, but I found a stuffed giraffe and began having it march toward Simon and then kiss him on the face. I played with him in this way for a while and he started to laugh and smile when the giraffe kissed his face. Eventually he started to reach out for the giraffe, he even held it in his hand, for a very small moment. Then he began to purse his lips...he was trying to do a kissy face!!!!! We were AMAZED!!! I don't think we "needed" to see that ray of sunshine--we will let him take as long as he needs to, to heal. And we know that this is not on our timetable and we will love him exactly where he's at. And I don't have expectations that he will ever be "normal" or "skilled" or whatever. But for him to seem to like us, show affection toward something we are doing and react to us, and even learn in some SMALL way, that was a true GIFT on this snowy, snowy day.